Benchtosis

In The Big Bang Theory, Howard Wolowitz posits that his friend, Sheldon Cooper, is most likely to reproduce via mitosis, a process generally reserved for cells. Theoretically, Sheldon would consume mass quantities of Thai food (although perhaps not quite as much as the Coneheads would), then divide into two separate Sheldons. The humor value in this little joke is considerable, although I understand that explaining it would ruin the fun. Suffice it to say that mitosis was offered in lieu of sexual reproduction.

(Left) Image of cell life cycles, including mitosis (labelled as "c"). Public Domain image by EB Wilson.

Of course, there is no evidence that people can reproduce by mitosis or that Thai food can cause unusual reproduction. At least not on Wikipedia. (I'm not really planning to research this.)

Nevertheless, there is a possibility that unusual reproduction, or even mitosis, may occur in other contexts. Well, mostly cells, but what if other things didn't reproduce the way we all thought?

Take for example, the benches of Ljubljana, a lovely city in Slovenja (which formerly was part of Yugoslavia, although that was only after it had been dragged behind the Iron Curtain rather against its will). Ljubljana is a really beautiful and delightful city that has many fine features (and book stores). It is also the home of Slavoj Zizek, who is a really remarkable theorist and apparently quite fond of the word "qua."

The nice man from the Comic Book Store (no, the new one) even recommended the hot dogs, which were just fine. The hot dog vendors actually carve a tunnel into the bun, which makes the application of toppings a bit interactive, but there's less squirting than you'd get with a Nathan's hot dog.

Arial view of Ljubljana (photo taken by MightyIsis's alter ego RegularIsis). Pretty.

One of the interesting and distinctive things about Ljubljana is its dragons. There are four of them, and they guard the bridge a little ways from the town center. They all look exactly the same, possibly because they came from the same mold. This would be a kind of reproduction, but not mitosis. In fact, if Walter Benjamin is to be believed, these dragons, nifty as the are, might not really be art because of the way they were mechanically reproduced. Marcel DuChamp, who is well-known for putting rather-more-than-slightly-used urinals on display at museums under the cheerfully deceptive title of "fountain" might probably have disagreed if he were asked. Although he may just have casted some in chrome and displayed them himself. (Note: Art Historians get upset if you refer to him as "that urinal guy.")

(Left) one of the four guardian bridge dragons. Not produced by mitosis or sexual reproduction. Also, possibly not really art.

(below, right) "Fountain" by Marcel DuChamp. Public Domain image. Not terribly hygienic and undoubtedly mass produced. However, definitely art.

Another interesting thing in Ljubljana is the presence of many cute, glossy little benches. So adorable. Also quite convenient for eating any hot dogs you may have happened to have bought. They provide a nice surface for setting down your cola so you can apply ketchup (or the topping of your choice) to the hot dog you just bought.

(below) Another cute bench. One of many such benches to be found, displaying another option in the plethora of bright, shiny colors to be seen.


Around the city, particularly in the major pedestrian shopping zones, the little benches sit perkily waiting for a weary walker. They have, as you can see, different little color combinations as well.


This all seems innocent enough... doesn't it?

MightyIsis had been given to understand that most benches do not reproduce, but rather are mass produced (no, not really like mass quantities, although those can be mass produced as well), and therefore do not have to engage in mitosis.

...but then, it seemed that some of the benches were not just hanging out waiting for tourists to find a safe haven for consuming hot dogs, coca-colas and possibly a nice packet of "crisps" (which is a fancy foreign word for "potato chips").

(Above, left) a nice little bench with red and blue slats. Very handy for sitting.

Of course, some of the benches seemed to have friends. Which could be handy for sitting with larger groups of people... and hot dogs.

(left) two little benches. Convenient for sitting with a friend or maybe two, and able to accommodate several hot dogs or perhaps a pizza.

Some locations, like the central area where several streets come together had longer benches, more like the standard park bench one might see in London or New York.

but then... the longer benches started acting a bit strange...

Since the benches lacked any obvious means of propulsion and were extremely heavy, it appeared that something quite serious was up....


indeed...

There was definitely some movement.

I am given to understand that benches are not terribly quick-moving, so this much have taken some effort.

After a day or two of pondering this movement, I decided that I was just imagining things.

And then, what to my wondering eyes should appear...

Perhaps next time I'll eat elsewhere...

Figure credit: Mitosis: Figure 2 of: Wilson, Edmund B. (1900). The cell in Development and Inheritance, second edition, New York: The Macmillan Company.